When drinking at local Tiki Bar on the beach in the islands

Rule #86-when drinking at the local Tiki Bar on the beach in the islands-when ordering Mia Tia/Singapore Sling/Blue Hawaii/Planter's Punch in souvenir glass DO NOT try to speak pigeon (because you'll probably end up saying something offensive)-

when getting your souvenir glass don't toast the waiter/waitress/bartender "HERE TA BRA' (because you'll only get laugh at)-

when getting drunk in the Tiki Bar don't strip off your tourist matching outfit to jump up on the stage shaking your ass trying to hula (haoles can't shake their ass like the wahines)-








when drunk in the Tiki Bar from drinking out of your souvenir glasses don't get up to try to karaoke 'TINY BUBBLES'-





when getting thrown out of Tiki Bar don't tuck souvenir glasses into your top you might landed on them-when local PD shows up to arrest you don't yell out 'I'm American Citizen' (hey dumb-ass Hawaii been a state since 1959)-when being arrested don't bribe the local PD with 'American Traveler's Checks' (the laughter you'll be hearing when your head is being slammed to the hoop of car will be the Cops)-when being tossed into the backseat of cop car don't drunk tweet/text 'I'm being busted by five-0 (it's not easy to text with your hand cuffed behind your back)-when being tossed into the cell don't puke your guts out on the only cot in the cell (you're going to have to sleep on it)-when getting release from jail don't tell the desk sergeant you had better room service from the local hooker motel down the street-when getting back your personals from desk sergeant don't ask for your collection of souvenir glasses-when going back to the local Tiki Bar on the beach the next day don't say 'Hey remember me!'... 
aloha

When at a Luau

Tip #2 for Voodoo Witch Barista's time in the islands... when at a luau for haole (whitey) tourist... reminder (a) poi always goes with pork (not bacon) to be eaten with your fingers... 

reminder (b) the Mia Tais will get you drink real fast when served in a pitcher so you will do stupid things like put on a grass skirt and coconut shell top and try your best to shake your grass to the sounds of the island drums...










reminder (c) when putting on said grass skirt to shake when drunk to be wearing panties or thong so as not to show the rest of the haoles your hidden grass or bare patch... 

reminder (d) most luaus are for the enjoyment of the locals to see how haoles act like fools (Mia Tias or not)... 

reminder (e) always tip your waitress or waiter there is no currency exchange a buck is a buck...

















aloha

The Hex of Little Voodoo Hoodoo & Voodoo Witch & Chocolate!

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Blurred Lines

the tale I'm about to scribe could get me into trouble... but then when did I ever care about getting into trouble... come to think of it trouble and me are old drinking buddies from way back when... the tale for this blog is about (oh how I hate to write this because it shows that I'm getting old) blurred lines... I don't mean the blurred lines that run down the middle of the street because you'd had to much to drink blurred lines... the blurred lines I'm referring to are the ones about (here is goes ready or not) sexual preference lines... fuck once again here is a line that makes me read like something my mother would say... back in my day (I have no idea what my day is or when it was)... but getting back to it... lets go when I was in high school and more forward from there... dust off the memorabilia, sweep out the cobwebs here we go... in high school the lines between the sexes where more ridged... being girls like guys and guys like girls... anything else was buried deep into the closet (why someone coined the word 'closet' is fucking beyond me)... that doesn't mean there wasn't a few girls who enjoyed having all girls PE (fucking google it) or boys who really got all happy being on 
the football team... I will admit that I did my share of making fun of those who prefer the same sex... does that make me a bad person?... I fucking really don't care... but didn't I do anything other than joke about it (laughter can be good way to open ones eyes)... NO... never out of hate... did I have any friends that where 'into same sex'... I fucking don't know... like I wrote in those day it was buried deep in the closet... I gotta to state one more thing before I continue 'metro' wasn't around yet... I'm not sure why 'metro' is used to describe anyone... more about that later... let's move on... in my college days/porn more excepted... and girls where now reading Playboy and Penthouse... it was coming to light that it's was being more excepted that females could or allowed to have what I call 'COLLEGE EXPERIENCE' (for the rednecks and dummies in the back that would be girl on girl)... ah the double standards card... which means it's okay for females to have 'COLLEGE EXPERIENCE' but not the guys... I know that its bad manners for me to write about having had one night stands (sport fucking) with females
who have had 'COLLEGE EXPERIENCE'... it's even worst of me to  have had encouraged them to make pillow talk of there 'COLLEGE EXPERIENCE'... (it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one that has difficulties "picking up" females-I never claim to be mister smooth)... I get a laugh out of when a female tries to flirt or pick up another female it's not that much different than a guy trying... I wonder if it's the same for when a guy tries to pick up on a guy?... all I know is that thank GOD for alcohol for leveling playing field... moving forward... I went to work in a industry that was/is heavy with people who are into same sex... now I have written a short tale about the time I work in this industry and being cougar bait... and there is a tale about something that

happened to me during this time as well... it's very humorous but I'm going to leave you hanging... its a tale to be told over consuming a lot of alcohol... lets move forward to the now... once again I'm working in a industry that is heavy with same sex people but I got to say it doesn't really matter all that much anymore... I guess because I've gotten older and more liberal and with the 'youngins' they have blurred the line to where they really don't care at all...  the only ones that get their panties in a bunch over this are Rednecks, GOPers, Biblethumpers and a lot of old people (okay not all but quite a few of them)... who am I to say that one person happiness is to be judge by me... or by anyone... I know I don't like it when someone steps in and tells me I can't lust after certain females (MILFS-homer face-tongue hanging out with drool)... so why should anyone judge and condemn someone who is into same sex... all I know is that everyone on this mud ball has a right for happiness no matter who they prefer as their partner... here is a bit of double standard card... when a guy things of a 'MENAGE A TROIS'-it's two females and him.
when a woman things of a 'MENAGE A TROIS'-it's two guys and her...

As per WEBSTERS Dictionary:

Menage a trois--(means-french for) three somes, fmf or mfm sex with more than one at a time

Gay--(use to mean) happy, joyous, carefree, celebrate

Queer--(use to mean) Odd, out of sorts, ill

I don't know when these words got tagged for same sex people... all I know is that can't we turn these words back to what they once mean? instead of slurs.... 

I wrote about 'METRO' guys... which I come to find out and now know are not into same sex... I was told by a female that I could easily be a 'metro' guy or somewhat 'metro'... I ask her is it because I hate to go camping or roughing it in the woods (banjo plucking scares the shit out of me) that roughing it to me is a five star hotel where room service stops at 11pm?... that the only places I enjoy traveling to have international airports (now I would go for a nice bullet train ride)?... Or that I care about my looks (the battle over weight)(I got to say I was one of the better dressed in high school)... or maybe because I'm SHALLOW....  
well that's enough of my soapbox for now... moral of tale... 
why do we have to have lines...

training cougar cub to hunt

to start off I'm giving a nod to several baristas that this tale could be about... Voodoo Witch Barista-I'm Not That Of Girl-Caveman Woman-I Could Be A Centerfold-60s Tie Dye Barista... I'm not sorry to the others such as BaahBaah or I facebook Everything or Little One or My Fucking Knee Acting Up Again Barista reason for my own... let me start this tale when I was... how can I put this... I know... when I was of the age of cougar bait... many many many moons ago when the moon was high and the earth was young... I was entering my cougar bait years (you can't google it... it's a calendar thing)... I was employed by an airline which allowed me to travel to many cougar hunting grounds... this tale took place in a far land near the metal birds nesting area where metal bird watches spotted 737s, 727s, the extinct L1011s, DC10s and the world traveler 747s... LAX... the cougar in this tale was 32 moons... she was out for her first hunt and I was her first prey... she toyed with me like a

cat holding a piece of cheese on a string and I was the mouse... she was 
taught how to make me jump through hoops that I didn't even know I was jumping through... she played me like a toy fiddle... I enjoyed every minute of it... the best part being a hunting by a cougar is the hot out of control fucking!!!(oh fucking grow up)... I can't put my finger on it but for some reason when a cougar is in heat (which is most of the time) she on the hunt... and when she hunting she looking for prey that will fulfill her horny hunger... meaning she wants to be fuck like she's never been fucked before and she not getting it from prey around her own age... it seems that cougars think most prey around their age are pretty set in they're sex-ways (ie watching sports while drinking beer rather than watch a cougar do a striptease)(I know that there are some cougars that shouldn't do stripteases)... before she cast me out like yesterday's newspaper I ask... no I begged her to show me how a cougar hunts it's prey... she told me to notice what style of clothes they wear... it seems that clothing tells a lot about a cougar's habitat (what side of the tracks she comes from-there are trailer trash cougars out there)... she pointed out how a cougar stocks it's prey without it knowing it... she told me to notice how a cougar plays with it's prey...  she also show me how a cougar when it's made up it's mind how she pounces on it's prey and fends off other cougars... this enabled me to become a cougar hunter... so I told this knowledge with me on great hunts across the land using the big metal birds that migrate across the lands... the hunting was good... 

now I sit at the corner of the bar (wish it was a Tiki Bar or Tiki Lounge) and watch cougars play with their prey... and laugh at the prey when they think they have the upper hand (they don't if the cougar is wroth her salt in weight)... moral to this tale is if you are a young cub wanting to be a worthy cougar... learn from the best one you can find... I know they are hard to find but they're out there... you just have to go to there hunting grounds... unfortunately 3 Vinos in my area is not where you're going to find a 'vintage (better word for find) cougar' to hunt... sometime later I'll write about my cougar safaris... (sound effects of a cork popping out of a old vintage tequila bottle-sound effects of tequila pouring into rocks glass with ice)... aaaahhhh.

Now this is a Tequila Bottle is it no wonder why cougars (women) enjoy a good shot! If not just think of how much fun they could have with an empty bottle!

text to work.

once again I got the text for work on CSI NY at the last moment (while as far as work calls go that it is)... it's up at the butt crack of dawn, get dress in the dark, because turning on the lights will temporarily blind you... make the bed like a good boy then dash out the door... hit the local Starbucks for the first cup of the day and maybe banana for the commute to work... work a half day (the first 12 hours) on location in Pasadena... but here is the kicker I got to drive to CBS Studios in Studio City, to be driven back to Pasadena to do the work... then at the end of the day be driven back to the Studio... get my car so I can drive thru Pasadena on the commute home... make since... don't worry it doesn't have too. It's Hollywood!!! I wonder who I'll see grinning at me from across the counter early in the morning at local Starbucks?... Big Boy's Coffee please... will there be an early morning hug?... will I want an early morning hug?...
I want the MILF picture in upper right corner to be texting me to come to bed.

Here is some eye-texting-candy... remember texting and drinking leads to drunken texting...